Your Worst Nightmare Has Happened

 The worst unimaginable experience in your life has happened.

Your world has been turned upside down. While you have landed on your feet, your legs are unsteady.

Your heart has been cracked open and you are wondering how can you still be alive? You thought you would die under the pain of your loss.

Yet you are still standing. Self-reflection shows that you have been changed. Each day you discover a little more about how resilient you are. Each step takes you further away from the rubble and chaos of those early days. Into what? Who are you becoming? You will never be that native person that you were back then. But who are you becoming? And how can you manage your emotional responses?

When your heart has been cracked open you feel so much more than you are used to. It doesn’t take much for you to either want to retreat OR want everyone around you to know the unthinkable has happened to you.

Experiences in life do not happen in isolation. The major loss that you have experienced has an effect on how you feel and see the world around you. All subsequent events are measured against what happened and is influenced by your experiences.

When a person has been taken to their knees, their grief over what has been lost is real. Many discover on their grief journey that their fear of losing love through loss or feeling unlovable leads them to a darkened part of the path. That is exactly where self-sabotage lurks.

We all have saboteurs whether or not we have experienced life-changing loss. A life-changing loss, because it renders us so vulnerable when it happens, is an invitation to our saboteurs to become magnified by the sadness expressed in our responses to people, places, and things.

Have you ever noticed people say that they keep busy as a way to fend off grief?

Busy is one example of the 3 critical, judging saboteurs.

Have you ever heard people who have experienced a major loss become over-controlling of others or circumstances, as if to make up for the loss of control that they felt after what happened?

Have you seen someone adopt a perfectionistic attitude and become highly picky about themselves or others after a major loss?

 

The fearful saboteurs include the pleaser, the hyper-vigilant, and the victim.

The distractible saboteurs include the restless, the avoider, and the hyper-rational.

Grief is a living energy. It doesn’t ‘go away’. It becomes integrated into the fabric of our lives, opening us to deeper presence and love. The saboteurs will tell you that you cannot have ease and flow after what you have experienced.

Please accept my invitation for a personalized Saboteur Assessment Session. Upon registration, you will receive a link to a Saboteur Assessment. And a Zoom link to your personal 1:1 Saboteur Assessment Session where you and I will unpack your results and deep dive into understanding how your top two saboteurs mess with your life.

Book a free 1/2 Hr Discovery Call

https://calendly.com/grieflossjourney/1-2-hr-discovery-call

The Distractable Saboteurs

Three saboteurs increase energy through distraction. Do you recognize any of the culprits impacting your life and well-being?

They are the ☞ Avoider, ☞ Hyper-Rational, and ☞ Restless.  

1. Feeling overwhelmed or scattered: If you are constantly feeling overwhelmed or unable to

 focus on tasks, it may be a sign that distraction saboteurs are at play. 

2. Procrastination: Putting off tasks or projects that you know you should be working on can be a clear indication that distraction saboteurs are influencing your behavior.

3. Constantly checking email or social media: If you find yourself constantly checking your email or social media throughout the day, it may be a sign that distraction saboteurs are impacting your productivity.

4. Difficulty prioritizing tasks: If you struggle to prioritize tasks and often find yourself jumping from one thing to another without completing anything, distraction saboteurs may be to blame.

5. Feeling disconnected or disengaged: If you frequently feel disconnected or disengaged from your work or relationships, distraction saboteurs may be interfering with your ability to fully engage and focus.

6. Lack of progress or achievement: If you consistently feel like you are not making progress or achieving your goals, distraction saboteurs may be hindering your ability to stay focused and on track.

7. Increased stress or anxiety: If you are experiencing higher levels of stress or anxiety in your daily life, distraction saboteurs may be contributing to these feelings by preventing you from staying focused and productive.

By recognizing these signs and being aware of when distraction saboteurs are influencing your behavior, you can take steps to mitigate their impact and improve your ability to stay focused and productive in your daily life.

Register for a 45-minute Saboteur Assessment Session. Upon registration, you will receive a link for a brief Saboteur Assessment. You will also receive a Zoom link to your personal 1:1 session to unpack your results. You will learn how your unique cast of Saboteur Characters impacts your life and methods on how to build your self-command.

REGISTER FOR ASSESSMENT AND 1:1 SESSION

Nice or the Pleaser Saboteur?

When Does Being 'Nice' Turn Into Self-Sabotage?

Have you ever been in the company of a 'nice' person who is over the top, unbelievably nice? They never take charge, they are always agreeable, never have an opinion of their own. What if that type of nice person is you?

Early in life, we learn that good things are promised in return for being nice to others. This can skew the purpose of being nice from the pure joy of giving from an abundant heart into a Pleaser Saboteur. 

How?

Being nice from a healthy perspective is giving or serving others without expectation. Having genuine curiosity, empathy, and openness with others is a sign of ease and flow. The saboteur uses being nice for an outcome, like wanting to be liked, or loved. People with the Pleaser Saboteur are often disappointed or worse by life and other people.

Niceness can make others think that you really don't have an opinion and that you're ok following their lead, making it easy to be taken advantage of without realizing that you actually play a part in the dynamic. Over time, when the Pleaser Saboteur backfires, the passive-aggressive side of the saboteur can rear its ugly head.

If the first thing that comes to mind when you meet someone is how can they help you, the saboteur is present. Being nice with an expectation attached to it is usually followed by disappointment because the relationship is based on your needs not on the ease and flow of relating. 

Have you ever felt uncomfortable in the presence of an overly 'nice' person only to realize that their Pleaser Saboteur has triggered one of your own saboteurs?

The Pleaser Saboteur is fear-based. Fear that you are not enough. Fear that you have to manipulate people to get anywhere in life. Fear that if you did not mask your true wishes, needs, and desires, you would be alone.

If you would like to know if the Pleaser Saboteur is wreaking havoc in your life, click the link below to register for a 45-minute 1:1 Session to go over your Saboteur Assessment results.

REGISTER FOR SABOTEUR ASSESSMENT and 1:1 SESSION

Emotional Well-Being

What role does self-awareness play in recognizing and understanding patterns in your emotional life?

Recognizing patterns and behaviors in your emotional life can contribute to its overall growth and evolution in several ways:

1. Self-awareness: By recognizing patterns and behaviors in your emotional life, you become more aware of your thoughts, feelings, and reactions. This increased self-awareness allows you to better understand yourself and why you respond to certain situations or triggers in a certain way.

2. Emotional regulation: Understanding your emotional patterns can help you develop better emotional regulation skills. You can learn to manage your emotions more effectively, respond to them in healthier ways, and take steps to prevent negative or harmful patterns from recurring.

3. Personal growth: Recognizing patterns and behaviors in your emotional life can help you identify areas for personal growth and development. You can use this knowledge to work on changing unhelpful or harmful patterns, develop healthier coping mechanisms, and achieve greater emotional well-being.

4. Improved relationships: Recognizing patterns and behaviors in your emotional life can also enhance your relationships with others. By understanding your own emotional tendencies and triggers, you can communicate more effectively, set boundaries, navigate conflicts more constructively, and understand your participation more clearly.

5. Increased resilience: Developing an awareness of your emotional patterns can build resilience and help you bounce back from setbacks or challenges more effectively. You can learn to adapt to difficult situations, manage stress, and build the confidence to handle adversity. When negative responses are diminished, joy, happiness, and well-being grow.

Overall, recognizing patterns and behaviors in your emotional life can lead to greater self-understanding, emotional regulation, personal growth, improved relationships, and increased resilience, all of which contribute to the overall growth and evolution of your emotional well-being.

Register for a 45-minute Saboteur Assessment Session. Upon registration, you will receive a link for a brief Saboteur Assessment. You will also receive a Zoom link to your personal 1:1 session to unpack your results. You will learn how your unique cast of Saboteur Characters impacts your life and methods on how to strengthen your self-command.

REGISTER FOR ASSESSMENT AND 1:1 SESSION

Emotionally Hijacked by Politics?

Do you say any of these things to yourself or out loud most days?

    ↳    I am not watching the news any longer.

    ↳    Our country is falling apart and there is nothing I can do about it.

    ↳    My party or politician is being treated unfairly. 

    ↳    I am not going to vote

    ↳    I don’t care, I’m sticking with my plan.

    ↳    There has to be someone better.

    ↳    I’m going to jump parties

    ↳    I feel hopeless.

    ↳    I feel angry.

    ↳    I don’t want to talk about it.

    ↳    The media is the problem.

    ↳    When is the other shoe going to drop?

    ↳    See, I told you so.

    ↳    I knew this would happen.

    ↳    The other side is nuts.

    ↳    The polls don't lie.

    ↳    If (fill in the blank) wins, I am leaving the country.

You can tell that you have been emotionally hijacked by politics when your responses impact your relationships, your behavior, and your general well-being. 

    ▼    Are you arguing with people more often? 

    ▼    Do you find yourself frustrated or angry frequently?

    ▼    Do you yell at your computer or television?

    ▼    Are you escaping reality with more screen time? 

    ▼    Are you drinking more?

    ▼    Are you eating more?

    ▼    Are you sleeping less?

    ▼    Do you feel helpless and resigned?

Saboteurs are those fixed ways that we cope with life. Saboteur energy is closed, fixed, and rigid. Your focus becomes narrow. Yet when your Saboteurs are quiet, you feel relaxed, open, curious, creative, and connected.

Often, the way you cope with life now is the way you learned to cope with life at a much younger stage of your development. Saboteurs are so natural to your life, that they feel like they are you. 

Saboteurs aren't you, they are your method of responding or coping with life.

Who are the saboteurs? (See image above)

    

    ☞    Avoider

    ☞    Controller

    ☞    Hyper-Achiever

    ☞    Hyper-Rational

    ☞    Hyper-Vigilant

    ☞    Pleaser

    ☞    Restless

    ☞    Stickler

    ☞    Victim

    ☞    Judge

    

Saboteurs turn strengths into weaknesses through overuse. 

What can you do? ✓ Schedule a Saboteur Assessment Session with me. You will receive a link to a Saboteur Assessment. When we meet on a zoom call we will have a look at your top two Saboteurs and explore how they mess up your good qualities in their overuse.

Register for your Saboteur Assessment Session.

Grief and Loss or Victim Saboteur?

The Victim Saboteur refers to the subconscious belief that one is always a victim, which can lead to self-sabotaging behaviors and patterns in one's life. This mindset often stems from past experiences of being victimized or facing challenges, but it goes beyond being a legitimate victim of a crime or tragedy.

Being an actual victim of a crime or tragedy means that a person has experienced harm or injustice at the hands of others or due to circumstances beyond their control. This can have a significant impact on a person's mental, emotional, and physical well-being and may require professional help and support to heal and recover.

In contrast, the Victim Saboteur mindset is more about seeing oneself as a victim in various situations, even when there may not be any real threat or harm. This mindset can lead to a negative self-image, feelings of powerlessness, and a tendency to self-sabotage one's own success and happiness.

Ultimately, the key difference is that being an actual victim is a legitimate experience of harm or injustice, while the Victim Saboteur mindset is a pattern of thinking and behaving that can hinder personal growth and fulfillment. The Victim Saboteur, a defensive response rooted in seeking love and attention, can be triggered by challenging situations. 

When we experience loss through death, divorce, a change in our way of life, or our health, we are often overwhelmed by a range of emotions that reflect the magnitude of our loss. Grief is a necessary process that allows us to take stock of what has been lost and understand what has occurred. Grief is different than the victim's saboteur energy because someone or something of value has been lost. Grief is a measure of love that appears to be lost..

Processing life-changing events takes time because they fundamentally alter who we are. Even when a loss occurs unexpectedly, a new narrative slowly emerges. It is not uncommon for those who have lost a loved one suddenly to feel a sense of longing for their return, despite knowing it is not possible. Painful stories of grief and loss require time to be processed, and this journey is individual to each person.

While sharing one's experience of grief and loss may not follow a linear path, it is important for grief stories to be witnessed and shared in a safe and supportive environment. 

If you find yourself or someone you know struggling with the Victim Saboteur, or you are not sure if grief has become a saboteur, consider scheduling a Saboteur Assessment Session with me only if it has been at least one year from the time of your loss. By identifying and addressing negative patterns, you will learn how to overcome them.

Register for your Saboteur Assessment Session.