My Adult Son’s Death Has Changed My Life

   When someone we love dies…we are changed. When that someone is our child…we are changed forever, deeply, no matter how old they were. Letting go is not a possibility. Everything in my being was geared to hold on, to protect and to be aware of his life. It didn’t matter that he was an adult, twice the size of me. Past, present and future collapsed into a series of nows. This event shook me to my core. I have lost parts of myself. How can this happen? Where did he go? Where did I go? What were his last moments like? Did he feel pain? Did he suffer? Was my mom who passed a year prior there to greet him? How could I have prevented this? What should we have known?

In the months after his death, feelings of failure, vulnerability, depression, remorse, profound grief, guilt on top of a first hand experience of the meaning of the word bereft. Feeling bereft was/is physical for me. The word so accurately expressed my flattened energy.

Fortunately for me, I hadn’t completely lost my spirituality. I lost my belief in God but I still held a belief that we are more than our physical bodies. This belief helped me to try to be open to connecting with him or open to the possibility that he might be able to give me a sign or some indication that he was nearby. I believed early on that if it took any focus or intention for a spirit to make contact, Richard would at least try to make himself be known. He had a strong presence in life. When he walked into a room, people noticed. He was upbeat and deeply calm at the same time. He loved life.

While my belief about the non physical was open, my heart was so badly wounded by his sudden death that all I could do was to call out his name and plead, “Richard, Richard, Richard, how could this happen to you?” I begged for an answer, “Richard, how am I going to survive this?” These phrases poured out from the longing in my heart. I continued this way for a year, several times a day.

Everything in my world had changed. I moved to Southern California from New York to live close to him. These were to be the good years in my life and in his. Lots of outdoor activities, cookouts, hanging out, bike rides, hikes, paddle boarding and the gym. Those activities were just the “normal” weekend fare. Lots of talk of boats, excursions and opportunities to share life and celebrate the life of his baby girl. Our lives had not been easy when he was young. now the future looked really bright.

My hope stopped when he died. The resounding emptiness was deafening. Our family is spread out but mostly located in the Chicagoland area. I wouldn’t have survived without them, close friends and wonderful neighbors where we lived three blocks from each other here on Balboa Island.

With Richard’s guidance, I believe, I chose measures to help myself to continue with some of the goals that he and I shared, like becoming part of the community, getting involved and trying to make a contribution. Each choice that I made to move through an obstacle, or my own resistance, I heard Richard’s voice beside me encouraging me, like he did back in Chicago when I achieved my second masters degree in 2005 to become a psychotherapist. He was always in my corner.

Now my journey includes widening my circle of trust. I’m choosing to live life instead of living a small life. Each of the obstacles have given me a choice…either move through it or acquiesce. Movement always feels like choosing life. Acquiescing to obstacles/resistance feels like defeat. I can’t take anymore defeat. Richard’s death was literally my worst nightmare. So in some ways my current fears are nothing compared to the one that just happened…out of the blue, suddenly, and shockingly.

Well-meaning people make assumptions about each other’s lives. I’m choosing not to focus on being offended. I’m choosing to believe that people are generally well-meaning, even if their comments sound ignorant or unconscious. People have the impression that I’m strong and that I’m getting over this or that new people have filled the void in my heart, that horrible, empty void. That is just not so. I’m unique to this journey, as is every other parent who has lost a child. There’s no script except the one that we write.

I’m choosing to stay focused on the ‘miracle’ of feeling Richard’s presence in my heart on a daily basis. Feeling connected to him helps me. During his life, he would never have been in favor of my checking out or living a small life. I know that ultimately choosing to live is my decision but I have to say that many times it’s because I know what he would say or do. You could say that I continue for him. He has sparked a new determination in me to create an expanded version of myself. I have nothing to loose.

I’m clearing out the clutter of previous struggles, attitudes and perceptions that aren’t useful to me any longer. I feel leadership growing out of my broken heart. People are entering my life and I am saying ‘yes’ instead of ‘no’ or worse, ‘I don’t know”. I am beginning to get glimpses of how my life is evolving completely differently than I expected when I moved here. It’s like my energy is clearing by the methods I have used to take care of myself in the past year and a half. I am finding a strong connection to Richard in my heart that I feared would go away but now I know will never die. I am not afraid to die and welcome the moment that I see and embrace him again. It doesn’t matter what form he is in, I will recognize him.

5 Things Not to Do After a Wake Up Call Knocked On Your Beautiful Life

An incident, a situation, an event or a shock that has left you feeling like everything has changed in the flash of a moment is a Wake Up call. It is an experience that rocks you to your core. 

If you have received a Wake Up call and you feel like you don’t know which way to turn, be aware that self-sabotaging behaviors lurk in the crevices of painful experiences. 

Methods of coping that have gotten you through life thus far may need to be updated for the next level of experiences.

If you have experienced: 

the recent death of a loved one

the breakup of a long term relationship

a serious medical diagnosis

loss of a job or career path 

5 things not to do when a Wake Up call comes knocking on your beautiful life:

▼   Don’t try to avoid the pain that you feel. The way to cope with a life changing event is to pass through it, work with your emotions, instead of trying to avoid the pain. Responses to grief and loss are very personal. Incredible growth can come from being present and developing the mental strength. Growth is a potential from painful experiences,

▼   Don’t try to numb your emotions. Your emotions are incredibly valuable in informing you of how you’re doing. Numbing behaviors include: taking substances, over eating, over sleeping, over shopping, over scrolling. 

▼   Don’t push yourself to be how you used to be. Give yourself some space and time to heal from the experience that has changed your life. Find those people whom you feel are ‘safe’, with whom you can share authentically and who don’t want to ‘fix' you. Revisit your spiritual beliefs and commitments.

▼     Don’t focus too much on the past or the future. Practice a ‘be here now’ mentality. Don’t spend too much time hashing over the details of what happened. Don’t worry too much about the distant future. Avoid words like ‘always’, and ‘never’. Example: I will never feel joy again. Instead: I don’t feel joy now. At a time of chaos, finding structure can be very useful. Join a group dealing with a similar issue, create healthy habits, exercise regularly.

▼     Do not make major life-changing decisions, unless you have to. When a life-changing experience has changed your life dramatically, it will take some healing to be able to assess what your needs are going forward. Imagine you have just had a major surgery. Healing takes time and effort. With open energy as opposed to narrow, closed, thinking, you will survive and thrive this Wake Up call.  

Mantras

It sounds simplistic to adopt a mantra when a very difficult experience has impacted your beautiful life. The mantras, ’one step at a time’, or ‘one day at a time’, can help ease thought that cause anxiety. Better yet if you find your own mantra to help you through. 

Book a free 1/2 Hr Discovery Call

https://calendly.com/grieflossjourney/1-2-hr-discovery-call

When a Wake Up Call knocks on your beautiful life

Have you had an incident, a situation, an event or a shock that has left you feeling like, everything has just changed in the flash of a moment? A event that left you feeling like your life will never be the same? 

If so, you have received a Wake up Call. A Wake Up Call stops you in your tracks. You don’t know how to continue but you know that the path ahead has changed drastically. You cannot continue in the direction that you were going and the reality of the past feels like it is quickly falling apart.

There are many different experiences that can cause a Wake Up Call. For example, your life partner announces that they have changed their mind and want out of the relationship. Or the start-up that you started is failing. Or your boss informs you that the company is downsizing and you don’t need to come in to work on Monday. 

A Wake Up Call could come from the sudden death of a loved one, or a terminal illness diagnosis from a doctor. A Wake Up Call is usually not something that you want to embrace because it inevitably involves changes that are unwanted and out of your control.

What to do when a Wake Up Call comes knocking on your beautiful life? 

When a Wake Up Call comes knocking it can bring grief, trauma, sadness, shame, and/or psychological and/or physical pain. Our human desire to resist change can cause feelings of overwhelm, exhaustion and isolation. The concept of letting go seems ridiculous because what you want in the moment is to hold onto the way things have been.

5 things to do when a Wake Up Call comes knocking on your life:

▼    Breathe. This sounds simplistic but calming yourself will go a long way in reducing stress. If focused breathing is foreign to you, try this. Square breathing starts with taking in breath slowly for a count of say 4. After inhaling to the count of 4, hold your breath for 4 counts. Then slowly release your breath for the count of 4 and then hold again at the bottom before inhaling again. (The count can be adjusted as needed.)

▼    Space. Give yourself some space to process what is happening with people in your inner circle whom you trust and whom you know care about you. 

▼    Journal. Write everything that you are feeling in a journal, in a stream of consciousness sort of way. Don’t filter and don’t judge your feelings. Don’t share your journal with anyone, unless you are in therapy.

▼    Reflect. Explore the deeper meaning that emerges from the events that have taken place. This requires being the observer of you. Almost like part of you is neutral, non judgmental assessing what happened. Continue to ask yourself … “What do I feel now”? Take ownership of authentic feelings, knowing that they will evolve and change over time. Sometimes metaphors can be very helpful in describing how you feel.

▼    Additional change. Don’t make any additional changes until your life has calmed down. Try not to be reactionary to the event that happened, unless additional change is necessary for safety. If you must make additional changes, keep them to a minimum. 

These 5 steps will help you to cope with the initial stages of a A Wake Up Call.

Next time: 5 things not to do when a wake up call knocks on your beautiful life.

Your Worst Nightmare Has Happened

 The worst unimaginable experience in your life has happened.

Your world has been turned upside down. While you have landed on your feet, your legs are unsteady.

Your heart has been cracked open and you are wondering how can you still be alive? You thought you would die under the pain of your loss.

Yet you are still standing. Self-reflection shows that you have been changed. Each day you discover a little more about how resilient you are. Each step takes you further away from the rubble and chaos of those early days. Into what? Who are you becoming? You will never be that native person that you were back then. But who are you becoming? And how can you manage your emotional responses?

When your heart has been cracked open you feel so much more than you are used to. It doesn’t take much for you to either want to retreat OR want everyone around you to know the unthinkable has happened to you.

Experiences in life do not happen in isolation. The major loss that you have experienced has an effect on how you feel and see the world around you. All subsequent events are measured against what happened and is influenced by your experiences.

When a person has been taken to their knees, their grief over what has been lost is real. Many discover on their grief journey that their fear of losing love through loss or feeling unlovable leads them to a darkened part of the path. That is exactly where self-sabotage lurks.

We all have saboteurs whether or not we have experienced life-changing loss. A life-changing loss, because it renders us so vulnerable when it happens, is an invitation to our saboteurs to become magnified by the sadness expressed in our responses to people, places, and things.

Have you ever noticed people say that they keep busy as a way to fend off grief?

Busy is one example of the 3 critical, judging saboteurs.

Have you ever heard people who have experienced a major loss become over-controlling of others or circumstances, as if to make up for the loss of control that they felt after what happened?

Have you seen someone adopt a perfectionistic attitude and become highly picky about themselves or others after a major loss?

 

The fearful saboteurs include the pleaser, the hyper-vigilant, and the victim.

The distractible saboteurs include the restless, the avoider, and the hyper-rational.

Grief is a living energy. It doesn’t ‘go away’. It becomes integrated into the fabric of our lives, opening us to deeper presence and love. The saboteurs will tell you that you cannot have ease and flow after what you have experienced.

Please accept my invitation for a personalized Saboteur Assessment Session. Upon registration, you will receive a link to a Saboteur Assessment. And a Zoom link to your personal 1:1 Saboteur Assessment Session where you and I will unpack your results and deep dive into understanding how your top two saboteurs mess with your life.

Book a free 1/2 Hr Discovery Call

https://calendly.com/grieflossjourney/1-2-hr-discovery-call

The Distractable Saboteurs

Three saboteurs increase energy through distraction. Do you recognize any of the culprits impacting your life and well-being?

They are the ☞ Avoider, ☞ Hyper-Rational, and ☞ Restless.  

1. Feeling overwhelmed or scattered: If you are constantly feeling overwhelmed or unable to

 focus on tasks, it may be a sign that distraction saboteurs are at play. 

2. Procrastination: Putting off tasks or projects that you know you should be working on can be a clear indication that distraction saboteurs are influencing your behavior.

3. Constantly checking email or social media: If you find yourself constantly checking your email or social media throughout the day, it may be a sign that distraction saboteurs are impacting your productivity.

4. Difficulty prioritizing tasks: If you struggle to prioritize tasks and often find yourself jumping from one thing to another without completing anything, distraction saboteurs may be to blame.

5. Feeling disconnected or disengaged: If you frequently feel disconnected or disengaged from your work or relationships, distraction saboteurs may be interfering with your ability to fully engage and focus.

6. Lack of progress or achievement: If you consistently feel like you are not making progress or achieving your goals, distraction saboteurs may be hindering your ability to stay focused and on track.

7. Increased stress or anxiety: If you are experiencing higher levels of stress or anxiety in your daily life, distraction saboteurs may be contributing to these feelings by preventing you from staying focused and productive.

By recognizing these signs and being aware of when distraction saboteurs are influencing your behavior, you can take steps to mitigate their impact and improve your ability to stay focused and productive in your daily life.

Register for a 45-minute Saboteur Assessment Session. Upon registration, you will receive a link for a brief Saboteur Assessment. You will also receive a Zoom link to your personal 1:1 session to unpack your results. You will learn how your unique cast of Saboteur Characters impacts your life and methods on how to build your self-command.

REGISTER FOR ASSESSMENT AND 1:1 SESSION

Nice or the Pleaser Saboteur?

When Does Being 'Nice' Turn Into Self-Sabotage?

Have you ever been in the company of a 'nice' person who is over the top, unbelievably nice? They never take charge, they are always agreeable, never have an opinion of their own. What if that type of nice person is you?

Early in life, we learn that good things are promised in return for being nice to others. This can skew the purpose of being nice from the pure joy of giving from an abundant heart into a Pleaser Saboteur. 

How?

Being nice from a healthy perspective is giving or serving others without expectation. Having genuine curiosity, empathy, and openness with others is a sign of ease and flow. The saboteur uses being nice for an outcome, like wanting to be liked, or loved. People with the Pleaser Saboteur are often disappointed or worse by life and other people.

Niceness can make others think that you really don't have an opinion and that you're ok following their lead, making it easy to be taken advantage of without realizing that you actually play a part in the dynamic. Over time, when the Pleaser Saboteur backfires, the passive-aggressive side of the saboteur can rear its ugly head.

If the first thing that comes to mind when you meet someone is how can they help you, the saboteur is present. Being nice with an expectation attached to it is usually followed by disappointment because the relationship is based on your needs not on the ease and flow of relating. 

Have you ever felt uncomfortable in the presence of an overly 'nice' person only to realize that their Pleaser Saboteur has triggered one of your own saboteurs?

The Pleaser Saboteur is fear-based. Fear that you are not enough. Fear that you have to manipulate people to get anywhere in life. Fear that if you did not mask your true wishes, needs, and desires, you would be alone.

If you would like to know if the Pleaser Saboteur is wreaking havoc in your life, click the link below to register for a 45-minute 1:1 Session to go over your Saboteur Assessment results.

REGISTER FOR SABOTEUR ASSESSMENT and 1:1 SESSION